You know, I hate the Mommy Wars. I read about it all the time, about how I’m ruining my kids, and daycare (which my kids aren’t in anyway but still) makes kids aggressive, etc. (even though it’s like a .5% difference from non-daycare kids according to studies but that’s not what the headlines make you believe). It seems like every childrearing article bashes working mommies and basically blames us for society’s ills. It gets old. There are a LOT of moms (actually the majority) who either choose to work or have to work. So in my wind down of work yesterday, I decided to do some Internet research regarding just how badly I’m screwing up my kids. Now, keep in mind that I’m giving up a higher paying and more career advancing (in civil litigation) job to spend more time with my kids.
What I found surprised me. Basically, working moms spend only about 2 hours less per week in “direct interaction” with their kids, according to three different studies I read. The studies define direct interaction as actually playing with your kids or doing some type of activity directly with them. They differentiate from when your kid is playing in another room, watching tv, riding in the car with you, etc. Here are a couple of quotes from two of the studies…
"Working moms today spend as much time with their kids as the stay-at-home mom
of 40 years ago." - Tracey Deutsch
Instead, mothers with children
at home found the time for outside work by taking it from other parts of their
day. They also worked more overall. Bianchi found that employed mothers, on
average, worked at home and on the job a total of 15 hours more a week and slept
3.6 fewer hours than those who were not employed.
From what the studies said, working moms, when they are home, devote most of their time to their kids, when the kids are awake, pushing all other things aside until the kids go to bed. From my 3 months of staying home when the kids were 10 – 13 months old, I know this is true at least for me. When I was home, I did the laundry, vacuumed, cleaned, etc during the day, mostly during naps but not always. Now I do all that stuff at night or during weekend nap times. Plus, any errand I have to run has to be done on my lunch hour, after the kids are in bed, or on the weekends.
The studies focused only on kids under 5. Now, I’m not discounting those 2 hours a week. That adds up to a lot of time in 5 years. However, it does make me feel better for those of us who do work. And I was so not shocked to learn that working moms give up sleep! Heck, when else do you fit in the dishes, laundry, cleaning, etc? I don’t do that stuff while the kids are awake unless absolutely necessary. In a perfect world, choosing to stay with my kids part time or all the time would make my student loans disappear, and insurance would be reasonable. But it ain’t a perfect world, and I make enough money that it would be hard to quit and still have college funds for my kids, and pay a mortgage and my student loans.
So here’s a shout out to all the mommies out there, whether you work full time outside the home and full time inside, part time outside the home and full time inside, or full time inside the home. Let’s all stop judging each other. Working moms aren’t necessarily selfish and shipping their kids off to be “raised by someone else” (that quote just burns my extra large butt!). Stay at home moms aren’t necessarily lazy or just unemployed. Working moms don’t love their kids any less. Stay at home moms don’t shelter and hover over their kids. We are all mommies in the best way we can be. Throw out the stereotypes and just LOVE your KIDS. I know lots of working mommies AND stay at home mommies, and every single one loves their kid or kids with every fiber of their being, and every single one has struggled with their choice and made the choice that is best for their family. And I respect every single one for her mothering skills and ability to balance life and motherhood. It ain't easy!
I may in fact be screwing my kids up, but don’t blame it on my job.
6 comments:
You have perfect timing on this blog because I was just feeling a twinge of working mommy guilt this morning. Jonathan has been in daycare since he was ten weeks old. I ADORE the center and the teachers and I honestly feel like it's a great environment for him, but I still wish I could work part time and be with him more.
I have read a lot of studies, too, and you are completely right that there are people out there who will make you feel horrible about working outside of the home. I had a stay at home mother and she was incredible. BUT it's not for me. I actually LIKE my job and I LIKE going to work. Now, I wish it could be three days a week rather than five, but I am lucky that I make a decent salary and work a 9 to 5 job.
Overal, it's about each mother trying to do the best she can for her family. I second your shout-out to all the mothers because, regardless of career choice, it's not an easy job and anyone who undertakes it deserves appreciation!
AMEN Andrea!!! I completely agree with you. Why is it women are always comparing themselves with or judging other women? I don't get it. Be happy with who God made you to be and don't worry about other people! For heaven's sake, women have too many other things to do other than petty things like that!
By the way, I loved the pics of Emma and Ethan - too cute. I still can't get over how much they look like their parents.
Have a blessed Friday and enjoy your weekend with your family!
Andy Boggess
You know I feel, but so funny that we were all thinking about this at the same time...similar brains most likely.
Great Post! I have a lot of admiration for all of you working moms out there!! I often wish that maybe I should have stayed working after Ava was born but I honestly just couldn't get it together! I think it's just hard being a mother - Period. Whether you work or not, there will always be that sense of guilt. I am glad there is a great community of blogging moms out there to share their thoughts and feelings about mommyhood. We all need to support each other when it comes to the Mommy Wars. :-)
I believe that as working moms we are also setting a good example for our kids. And truly, we love them and do the best we can, and that is all we can do.
I wanted to say that your babies are beautiful! I loved the birthday pictures. I feel like just yesterday Kim said you were pregnant!! Where does the time go.
I have thought about it and I am pretty sure they will still need therapy, but not because you work :) Love you and call me sometime, I just miss you, nothin' big :)
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